Bl3h.T

I am thinking about shutting down this blog and just starting a new one. The reason why I started this blog was because I wanted to be just like my ex and have a blog and hopefully blog about all my exciting times with the one I love and to document how our relationship grew. However, after breaking up, I realised that I started this for all the wrong reasons. Blogs should be about myself and should be done because I want to and not for someone else. Hence, www.theanomalousconformer.blogspot.com was born.

Even though no one probably reads this blog, I am going to start afresh and blog about the me and only me :) I know its probably not going to be interesting or that some people may find it even boring, but its me for you. Its going to be all about me, my journey as I find the place where I belong and along the way all the experiences, the good times, the hard times, the sexy times, the sad times, the yummy times and every time in between as well. Im excited about starting anew and hopefully i will do a better job at it this time.


Signing Out,

 Haven't blogged in a long while now. I've been so busy with uni, ive barely had the time. Time has been flying by. This year is almost at an end and in just over 2 months time I will be graduating! *throws hat into air* I so excited about it. I've finally reached that stage in life where I'm a real adult, going out into the adult work, doing adult-y things haha

However, I will still be a student after I graduate as I finally got into the course that I have always dreamed of doing. As a result I've decided to reward myself by going on an overseas trip. Even though it wasnt how I dreamed of at the start of the year, but that's all in the past now and I've only got a bright future to look forward to :D I will be going on an Asian Trip Extravaganza!! Even though its all by myself, im starting to feel im going to like it that way. No baggage (literally and figuraively), no need to take into account what other people think, I can do whatever I like, when I like....and best of all...who i like :P I am definitely going to enjoy this trip so much and hopefully meet many more people along the way. This year is going to go out with a BANG! Visiting 4 Different Countries over 4 weeks on a single airline! Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong and Macau! I am SOOOO EXCITED!! Christmas in Singapore, New Years in Hong Kong!

I think this trip will definitely help me grow and become more independent and to let loose before I commit myself for the rest of my life in my dream career. I mean another 4 years of uni means I'm going to be living off 2 minute noodles and takeaway, but its all worth it in the end. Until next time, I will try to blog more often even though circumstances have changed, but I promised myself this will be my own virtual diary from now on, even if nobody reads this :P

Signing Out,

Signing Out,

I've never been the decisive type of guy in my life, but right now I have so many life-changing decisions to make that I am lost with what I want to do in the year 2012 haha If only the world would just end like the movie '2012' so i wont have to make these hard decisions haha just kidding. I am pretty excited about my 'new beginning' next year and even though I dont want to make a decision I just want it to come quickly as it represents a new phase in life.

So the possibilities include:

1. Study Medicine
2. Move to Singapore and work in a pharmacy as a pre-registration pharmacist
3. Stay on the Gold Coast and live at home while I work as a pre-registration pharmacist
4. Move to another major city and work
5. Move to a country town and work
6. Work in disneyland in FLORIDA, USA!!! hahaha
7. Travel and chill out with the little money I have, maybe apply for the holiday and work visa in Malaysia or other country

So many options right? Right now, they are all dependent on whether I get offers such as with medicine and with singapore and stuff but I have applied and I am apparently going to receive a telephone interview with someone from Guardian Pharmacies about possible opportunities of working there. Now THAT is exciting!!! All of them sound really good, the least appealing would either be staying at home or going to a country town as I feel like I need a change after doing the same thing for so long. Damn it...if only I actually had readers on my blog then they could help me decide! haha Oh well, you cant have everything right?

Travelling is very appealing to me right now...however, the thing is I think eventually I want to settle down and come back and live in Australia and own a nice house and have a stable job. however if i move then I dont think i'll have a secure job when I come back, which is kinda sad haha but at least i'd have fun for the however many years i spend abroad right? Anyway if people actually read this blog, then HELP ME DECIDE!! haha

Its dinner time!

Signing Out,

I remember always seeing the Nikon Advertisement on Tv and hearing the song and always feeling chills down my spine whenever I hear this song. I finally listened to the full version today and I am truly obsessed with this song. It is so good on so many levels and it just seems to resonate to a special place in my heart :) enjoy...

Welcome Home - Radical Face

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun. And the days blur into one.
And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done.
Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline,
like a row of captured ghosts, over old dead grass. Was never much, but we made the most.
Welcome Home.

Ships are launching from my chest. Some have names, but most do not. If you find one, please, let me know what piece I've lost.
Peel the scars from off my back. I don't need them anymore. You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars.
I've come home.

All my nightmares escaped my head. Bar the door, please don't let them in. You were never supposed to leave. Now my head's splitting at the seams. And I don't know if I can...

Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs, press into my skin again.

Signing Out,

 I never noticed how many shams there are in pharmacy until i have been working full time in one for the past two weeks. For those who dont know what the word 'sham' means, it means something that is there to trick us into believing it is really good. As i think about it maybe sham isnt the best word to use, maybe its more of a clever use of advertising to make people buy all those different types of products in the pharmacy.

What Im trying to get is that have you ever noticed in the pharmacy there are so many types of Panadol products out there, such as normal panadol, then theres panadol back and neck, panadol back and neck long lasting. I mean they ALL contain exactly the same thing! just 500mg of paracetamol..theres nothing special about them which makes it only travel to the back and neck..it targets the whole body. the thing is you can get a box of 100 panadol tablets for about $10 dollars maybe (or $2 for a no-name brand) but you will be paying up to $6-9 for 24 tablets of the back and neck even though its the same thing. I have had customers who have specifically requested for the back and neck ones despite me explaining its the same thing...but because they saw on tv that it targets the baack and neck, they ONLY want that one haha I would definitely be looking to spend those few dollars that ive saved somewhere else...like a big bowl of ice cream or something.

Then there are those products which have had a 'special advertisement' on one of our news programs about how amazing and how godly the effects of those medicines are. Then guaranteed the next day, hundreds of people will come and ask for that product and all stock will be sold out in like 5 seconds. This was the case with shark cartilage arthritis creams, green tea diet pills, Pawpaw creams, Goat's milk soap. However, after about 2 weeks the hype dies down and no body buys them anymore...If they were that good, people would keep buying them right? its all thanks to advertising that makes or breaks these products, even in the pharmacy where we put customers health in first...haha




Signing Out,

This is my first blog post in months! but anyhow things have been tough these past few months and i believe it will only get tougher. But what to do? No matter how corny or cliche this sounds but tough times can only make me stronger.

Right now I am completing the final semester of my study and after that I can finally place B.Pharm next to my name :D although 4 years ago I went into this thinking this will only be a stepping stone and it was my second choice but after spending so much time on something and thinking about the vast opportunities it could bring me...it doesnt sound so bad anymore! Yesterday I decided that if I dont receive an offer for medicine then I would move to singapore at the end of the year and look for a job as a pharmacist there and complete a year training there and possibly even stay and work for a few years before going on to another country, such as USA or Canada. I only just turning 21 at the end of the year so there is no reason to have commitments or a full-time job for the rest of my life yet. This time is "me time" and for me to go out there and experience the world! Plus, I can develop a VERY impressive CV when I do decide to settle and come back to Australia where I think I will eventually live and 'plant my roots'.

For the first time in my life, I feel as if for the past 20 years of my life, I have been living inside one of those plastic bubbles and now it has finally popped and I am out here by myself. I have been sheltered by my parents, my lover, my friends and even I didnt want to leave that bubble. But now it kinda feels like a lie, the world that I used to believe in, where happy endings exists and bad things don't happen, doesnt really exist. I have also been so focused on thinking about others I didnt even have time to think about me. Thinking about how I can change myself or do things to make those around me more happy. That has always been what I tried to aim for. But now i feel, "what about me? where do i fit in?". If you do all that for others, what happens when they leave? what will I have left? and I came to the conclusion that it would be a person that has changed so much that myself wouldnt recognise or like. Thinking about the things I have done in the past was quite stupid and silly but right now theres no point in looking back and trying to change the past. All I can do is thank the people who has helped me reach this point in life which allows me to get out of this fantasy of mine and live a real and fulfilling life.

For this I say thank you.

Signing Out,

These days I have realized how "high maintenance" I am. I never really realized it as I have always been this way but now it's definitely going to change. I complain and whinge so much I probably annoy the hell out of my friends and family hahaha together with my huge indecisiveness I'm surprised I actually still have friends. Well it's definitely not my looks or my popularity that is keeping my friends so I guess I must do something's right some of the time :P

Anyway I recently found out my result for my "life-changing test" that I did a few months ago...the one which cut my Malaysian holiday short..but I did really well! I am so happy with it I was practically jumping up and down on the train that afternoon :) I don't know if it's good enough to get me into what I want but at least I gave it my best shot. See I probably could have left Malaysia the day before my exam! :P even if it doesn't work out ive got several backup plan which is always a good thing. One of which is taking a gap year after I graduate to Malaysia.

I was looking this up and found that australians are able to spend 1 year in Malaysia (visa free) as a part of some student exchange program. I'm actually wondering how many of us go over there compared to the number of malaysians that come over here haha but there are several terms of agreement. Some of which are quite funny I found:

1. If you have any professional qualifications you are unable to use them for the period that you spend in the other country.

2. You can't work in the "spa industry" whatever that means...

3. You can't work in the same place for over 2-3 months and no more than 6 months of the total trip.

I found 1 and 2 very funny but I guess I can cross those off my list of things to do while I'm there. No pharmacy. No spas. Damn...I think even if I get into uni again next year one of these years I will take this gap year up. It will be an opportunity to be independent and to be an adult for once in my life, which lately i haven't seem to be doing. And of course it's another holiday :P

Signing Out,

I am turning 21 at the end of the year and guess what I feel like I'm a 12 year old. When we are young we desperately want to grow older to do all the "adult" things but it's funny how when we are old the world spends billions of dollars aimed at helping adults to grow younger and turn back time and all of the other gimmicks out there...but right now I just want to grow up!

I don't want to grow old, just to grow up and stop acting like a child. Recently I did some things which was very childish and just plain idiotic and being conned like a 12 year old. Im so angry at myself but I just keep doing it I seriously need to grow up. I feel that I missed or skipped the point when you say to yourself "ok I'm gonna grow up now and stop playing video games and watching cartoons and just grow up. Unfortunately I never snapped out of that phase and still do most of those childish things like throw fits when I don't get what I want, talk and act like a kid, being sheltered by my parents, having stupid dreams and hopes like having a happily ever after ending and everyone is nice like Mary poppins.

I really want and need to snap out of this before anything worse happens. I desperately need to grow up and not look back. I need to accept my responsibilities as an adult and stop thinking like a child. But how? How do I just click my fingers and just grow up?

Signing Out,

Well I'm not talking about the normal relationship breakup....but its with my tiny pillow that i've had for about 19 years now. It such a long time to part with someone. I have to have it when I sleep every night and if I go to someone else's house, I have to have it with me as well. It just always with me and it makes me feel safe when I have it. As a kid I used to get scare things would come and like eat me or something and having this pillow made me feel safer to hug something. but now its time for us to part.....

I am doing it for his own good. He is falling apart and theres nothing I can do about it. Theres holes in the casing and all the stuff in side has broken up into pieces. Its just not the same anymore. All the childhood memories of it, I want to keep everything the same so i think its best for me to break up now. Before things change or it starts breaking even more that I cant recognise it anymore. So for now I'm gonna try to live without it and see whether it is time for me to throw it out. Its not like when I get married I can bring it along with me.

I do feel quite bad about throwing it out because i've had it for so long. Maybe i'll just keep it somewhere but not use it. However, the temptation is still there so maybe it is best to just rip it off fast like a bandaid and just give it away or throw it. Someone else has been eyeing my pillow for a while now....my nephew haha So maybe it is best to just give up and pass it on to someone else...to make some more childhood memories. This is goodbye then.

Signing Out,

Lately, I have had a breakdown to almost everyone I know about my family, what I want to do with the rest of my life etc etc. I have finally made a decision. My medicine dream can go on for another two years, while I finish my last year of pharmacy and do my registration year. After that, I have decided to take a gap year from the money that I would have saved up with my one year of extremely underpaid work as a intern pharmacist (come on, when I graduate I will get paid AUD$15 an hour, whereas as a third year student I was getting paid AUD$20).

I am going to take a year off to travel and sightsee as well as learn to become independent. In a cliche way, it means i am going on a journey to find myself, kinda like Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love, except hopefully it will entail much MUCH more fun than her journey.  I am really excited about this idea, and at the same time scared. I'm afraid the year off will not be enough to try and find myself and what I really want to do in the future. I'm also scared of going on that journey alone, but the excitement of travelling does weight out these fears for now. I want to travel around Asia, America, Canada and maybe Europe..IF i have the money. Hopefully it wont be an issue, and if it does, I've decided to temporarily work overseas in little jobs, such as bartending, waitering, office work etc. 

Signing Out,

Recently I had several annoying run-ins with old people on different accounts and have decided that some  (not all) old people are really picky and sometimes just plain rude! It all started a few days ago on the train. It was really packed and i was pretty much standing shoulder to shoulder to other people on the train. However, the train stopped at its usual stations and more people wanted to get on. As i had just recently go on from the last stop I was pretty much next the door. When the door opened this old man who was standing next to me pretty much shoved me inside and said 'come on move! theres more people trying to get on!'....I seriously wanted to punch the old man. firstly because I was in a bad mood already and there was no space for me to stand any closer. It doesn't stop there. This old man, throughout the train ride, kept mumbling stuff and when he was about to get out he like elbow-ed me in the back as he was getting out. I don't know whether or not it was on purpose or not but it hurt! If he ever comes into my pharmacy, I'm gonna spit in his medications hahaha just kidding. . . .

Another incident also happened on the train. I was minding my own business on the train and there was an empty seat next to me. As I was playing pokemon some game on my nintendo ds trying to kill time, this old lady came and sat next to me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her looking at me, then looking at what I was doing/what game I was playing and then looked at me again. When I looked up, i saw that she had the most digusted look on her face, as if i was watching porn on the train...I had no idea what her problem was with me playing a ds, but she got her stuff and moved and sat next to some old guy in front of me...Seriously, what did I do?!

I dont know but a lot of the older generation here are also quite racist. Im not saying that these two old people were racists (maybe they were, maybe they werent) but I have had several accounts of racism against me despite almost living here for my whole life. I never had much trouble with my school friends, but its when we are out in shopping centres or grocery shops were the 'fun' really starts. Even at the pharmacy, a guai lo request he speak to someone 'not like me' because apparently I couldnt understand him when he repeated 'Australia? Australia? Australia?" when I asked if he wanted a cheaper brand of the medication....I've kinda grown accustomed to it now after living here and it doesnt really bother me...most of the time. But one day I really do wish for a world without racism. Why cant we all just get along? Oh wait..I remember now. Its because asians are smarter! hahaha just kidding. =D

Signing Out,

My title says it all. What really gives us the right to be happy? A chinese saying says that 'one must go through the bitter, before you can taste the sweet'. Is that really true? that we must all suffer through the bad times before we get to have the happiness that we have earned. So is a person supposed to be unhappy if they have never suffered through any of the bad or bitter times. For my whole life I've always lived like a king. I rarely do housework as a kid, only sometimes the dishes and vacuum and mopping the floor. I got almost anything I wanted, I got all the video games, I got all the clothes and newest laptops. Even now, I have the latest phone and the latest gaming consoles. So according to the chinese saying, am I supposed to be miserable until I've gone through some hard times. Maybe I never really deserved this happiness.

At this moment, I feel like someone had made a mistake in my life and given me all this happiness and good times which I never really deserved and is about to be all taken back. I'd like to think that maybe after this hard time that i'm going through, I will evenutally get the 'sweet' back.  I have always believed in things such as karma and what comes around, goes around. I know there are those that think these are just things innocent and naive people say, but I really do...or at least did. But right now, I am seriously that even if you do good for your whole life, sacrifice everything for your family and friends, all you get is pain and suffering. There is no cycle. There is no karma. Maybe it is what nice and innocent people say even when things go wrong. So why don't we all just break the law, do bad things...its all going to be the same outcome. Just look at all the rich people in the world...i bet you all of them has done bad things just to get to where they are.

My creative has gone a walk at the moment but I really wanted to blog about something...so here goes - my blog post about nothing haha

This morning, as I sat at my table trying to wait for my water to boil so I could make my coffee, I was contemplating how it would be so cool if I could speak like 10 different languages fluently. Not only could I understand people when they gossip about me or when they are scolding me in some random language, I would be able to meet so many new friends from all over the world. Unfortunately, I'm only fluent in two languages, Cantonese and english, and I mildly know of mandarin and Japanese..only a little bit. I have had several experiences, especially during my trip to Malaysia, I've had people give me death stares and then gossip to the girl/guy next to them in Malay or something or other. At the time I shrugged it off and thought they are probably just saying how handsome I was...haha but how I really wish I knew what they said..since I can't remember what they said, I'll just leave as they told me I was very kecak =)

I have learnt other languages before but I am not very language orientated. I learnt Japanese for about 6-7 years and I still can't speak it fluently. In other words, I'm a language dumbass :) I have already forgotten so much of it mainly because nobody speaks to me in Japanese nor do I ever practise. (if anyone is willing to give me free lessons, feel free to leave me a message :P) I don't know if anyone has ever noticed but there are some languages that sounds good and even sexy but then there are those that just sound rude and like their arguing even though it's a simple hello....here is the end of my "nothing" post and aren't you glad I wasted like 10 minute of your life :P hehehe

Signing Out,

I think everyone who is asian would know what I am going to talk about. When Asian Mums and Asian Dads tell you to come over to one of his/her friend's house just for a chat, when in fact they want you to meet their friend's daughter/son. I'm not saying that it only occurs with asian parents, but just a lot more do it. Recently I have been forced brought along for one of these 'match-making' sessions, however, it definitely wouldn't be my first.....or my last...This time it was to share my pharmacy knowledge and books with some friend's daughter who had also recently started pharmacy at my university....

Its also funny how when I confront my parents about not wanting to just meet some daughter of a auntie of a close friend's cousin, and they ALWAYS, without fail, say to me "why not? an extra friend never hurts!". I mean seriously...how much would you know about this 'girl'? Maybe she's a drug dealer, or maybe shes running a black market for child sex slaves haha you get what the picture...Unfortunately, my parents do not. And until that day, when they finally realise that after that meeting, I am probably never going to speak or even see that 'nice girl' ever again, let alone ask her to be your girlfriend or to marry her, I will probably have to continue to suffer go on these match-making sessions.

I think this occurs with almost all asian parents, especially mine as they probably won't be too happy if I brought back a caucasian girl as a daughter-in-law. Even though they have said the little speech about "As long as you are happy" several times in my life, my mum has always been edging for an asian girlfriend, through subtle hints, such as "i'll teach your girlfriend how to cook and make chinese soup" and "if you find a guai lo girlfriend, how will i communicate with her??". Which sorts of guai lo do you see making chinese soup? As a result, I have suffered through many of these match-making sessions just so I could meet the nice asian girl that my parents always wanted. 

My parents also like to use the excuse of 'planning ahead' and say 'you never know, you guys could become really good friends, shes a really nice girl". Just like how even at the age of 16/17, my feet COULD grow and fit into that shoe that was bought purposely 2 sizes too big so I could have room to grow. haha Don't get me wrong I am not making fun of asian parents, and especially not mine (mum, dad I LOVE YOU!). Its just I find it funny how everyone of my asian friends have experienced this and none of us has met the girl/guy of our dreams yet...so maybe someone could announce it on skynews or today tonight here in australia and maybe then mums will finally give up on these so-called 'meeting new friends slash i want you to meet your future wife" sessions........

Signing Out,

Yesterday morning I suddenly received a text from my best friend from school asking me if I was going to a mutual friend's party. At first I was like "nahhhh. I have to work on my assignment" like the good boy that I am. However, as I struggled to do any work on it through the whole afternoon and considering I haven't seen or spoken to him since New Years Eve 2010, I decided to text him back saying OK! haha

It was nice to see a few people from my high school whom I haven't seen since...well, graduating haha which was in 2007. With some it was awkward trying to make conversation after the intial "Hey! What are you up to these days?", whereas others it was just a non-stop gossip session. However, it was still much much better than being stuck at home trying to write about drugs.

During one of the gossiping sessions, we were all trying to decide on the sexual orientation of another friend of ours who has always been...hmm how do i say it...leaning towards the feminine side a bit more than usual. Apparently, there are things which can tell you if a person is gay or not. Although not entirely fool proof, but he told me that there is a higher chance of a person who has their hair that goes anti-clockwise (i.e. at that spot on the top of your head) of being gay than straight. I think he said it was about 30% to 10%. Also if your ring finger was longer than your index then there is also a higher chance of being gay. I really don't know how much I believe of that but its interesting how people can try and figure out which side you play for by just looking at your head or hands. So girls, before you go out and meet a new boyfriend take a look at their hands and the hair to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness further down in the relationship. hahaha :P

We also talked about having a gaydar and being able to feel a 'vibe' when around people who are on the same team as you. It seemed a bit derogatory for a bit as if gay people have a sixth sense and can smell out 'their own kind' haha but i guess its a term that everyone uses nowadays. Throughout this conversation I was trying not to laugh as my friend (who is gay) talked to me and my bestie's girlfriend about he knows who's gay and whose not by their body language and whether they give him the 'fuck me' face hahaha I told him to show me and to me it just seemed a bit like he was constipated or at least trying to do a number 2. hahahaha O.O

Overall it was a good night catching up with my friends and just having a bit of fun talking nonense and joking around. I don't think I've had any fun since I've been back from Malaysia and I have missed having it. Hopefully there will be more parties and more catching up in the near future. hehe

Signing Out,

Currently I am trying write my Quality Use of Medicines project which is due in about one weeks time. However, at this rate I seem to be going nowhere so I decided to give it a break. All of a sudden I thought, why not write a post on my blog hehe. You can never have too many blog updates, right...?

Doing the one month placement in a hospital in penang was not all fun and games..(well actually it was, but it wasnt supposed to) as I am supposed to write a 1500 word report on my experimental findings and also a 10-15 minute presentation including powerpoint on it. This is to apparently enhance both mine and my future colleague's learning....*cough*bs*cough* haha As you would imagine, since it was my first time in Malaysia , I did not do a lot of 'project-ing' but rather did heaps of travelling and eating and shopping etc. etc. You get the point...In other words, I left my project to the last minute haha anyone would have done the same right?? hahaha

I seriously cannot believe that I am in my last year of my pharmacy degree. During my placement, everyone was very surprised to find out that by the age of 21, I will have graduated and only be one year away from being a full fledged pharmacist. It actually feels quite surreal to me even thinking about it. If I saw myself as the one in charge of the pharmacy, or someone as young as me, I probably wouldn't listen to he/she said because I would be thinking, "does this little kid even know his stuff?!" In all the advertisements on tv, the pharmacist is almost ALWAYs someone old and has white hair and wearing a white coat. However, I fit NONE of those credentials haha well other than the fact that I have a 'few' white hairs on my head....

Hopefully I will be able to pass this year. My baby tells me that I need more faith in myself, but it still have a not-so-tiny doubt in my head as to whether I can do this or not. but for now, I need to concentrate on my project! I'll tell you guys the topic of my project so you will sympathise with my situation here. Its on 'The Incidence of Drug Interactions in a Hospital Setting, and whether the methods in place at that hospital is effective in identifying and preventing these interactions from occurring". Its a mouthful, I know. Trying writing a report on it.....

Signing Out,

I GIVE UP!! this is definitely one of phrases that I have used quite often in my life. Whenever something goes wrong or not to my liking, I'm always just like I give up! But recently trying to struggle through finding myself and what and who I want to be in the future, I've realized how childish and immature it is of me for always being like that. This is after real life and not just some video that can be reset if you lose.

After reading several blogs, I have become inspired by all the dreams and ambitions that they have. Ive come to realize nobody just hands you your dream on a silver platter. I have to work hard for it. Even though I'm not sure if I genuinely want to be a pharmacist, there's no way to know unless I work hard now and actually become one before I can start trying out different things and jobs and careers. It's not like I don't have time. I guess this is one of those questions that may take years and maybe my whole life. At least i tried dying right? Instead of just laying in my bed thinking "I don't know what to do with my life...."

People who know me may say "I've finally grown up" haha I hope you are right and it's about time! Next year I will have finished my degree and will have to start working! I better be grown up before that time! Haha anyway I'd like to thank those that have given me words of advice through this time of seeking myself. THANK YOU! I WON'T give up!!



Signing Out,

Yesterday was the first day without my baby around all the time and I must say, I REALLY MISSED YOU! It wasn't easy like old times where I could just drive about 20 minutes and I would reach my baby's house and we would hang out. I really don't know how to handle this, but I HAVE to be strong!

This first day marks not an ending but rather a new beginning for both of us. I believe that if we can get through this, then we can only get stronger. Although right now, I'm not sure whether or not my handling strategies are working.

Yesterday I only ate a museli bar, a tiny bit of nasi lemak and a sandwich. Although this may be due to the food poisoning that I may have got on my last day in Malaysia. The day before that I pretty much vomited the whole day and had nothing to eat. Other than that, I spent most of the time texting my baby and when he wasn't free, I would just be sleeping. Sleeping was my way of seeing my baby and I wouldn't miss him as much. I know this is no way of handling this, but for me, I don't know how else to handle it. I've got an extremely important exam on saturday, but i just feel so powerless and unmotivated to do anything. So yesterday, was my day off. A day to try and deal with my withdrawal syndrome.

However, I swear that today will be different! This isn't just about me. When I am sad, my baby feels sad too. Im sure that my baby does not want to see me behaving like this and rotting in my room. I promise that I will study hard and work towards a better future. I can't promise that I will feel the happy and not miss you just like that, but I will try to go on with my life and work hard because I know that you will be in my heart, always. I love you.

Signing Out,

I am officially touched down in Australia after spending a bit over 1 month in Malaysia. The atmosphere here seems very different though. Its quiet and gloomy and....lonely. Even my family feels a bit different since I have arrived. Many things have changed...my baby isnt here, I lost my job, my mum's sick, I have to sell my car.... How can so much have changed in just one month that I have been gone?

I never really liked change. I remember the first year that I moved up to brisbane for my studies, I totally hated it for the first 2 weeks. I soaked my pillow every night. Its a bit childish i know, but for me, change is scary. What if it changes for the worse? What if I can never get back what I used to have? before everything changed. I must say that right now it seems like an impossible task, trying to survive without my baby's presence around me all the time. I will try my best. For once I will try to be brave and face these changes for a better future and a better us. I love you.

Signing Out,

Time passes so quickly when you're having fun. With a blink of an eye I've already been in Penang for 3.5 weeks. Although most of it has been good and fun times, there has also been some not-so-good times. No matter what I think I will remember this trip for the rest of my life. All the food I've eaten, all the places I've been, all the people I've met. I must say I did meet a lot of good people especially at the hospital. Lots of people have treated me for a drink or some famous Penang snacks. I appreciate them showing me some love after coming to a totally different country. Although after coming here, I have realized how different the lifestyle is here, and whether for the good or the bad, I still had a really good time here on Penang. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to come back but hopefully I will. I would like that. OBVIOUSLY YOU WILL(added by iggy)

I don't really want to go back to my old life...it's boring especially without my baby. But time still passes and life goes on. I graduate at the end of the year. Four years and I'm finally finished. After this I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I want to do something meaningful with this life of mine. Although I doubt that will happen in the direction that my life is going now. Nowhere. Well I guess I'm still young and have the rest of my life to figure this out.

Signing Out,

P.S as I was typing this blog it got hijacked by mr iggy.

A song from my all time favourite movie :P



Come What May

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

P.S. I Love You.
 

Signing Out,

I ended my post prematurely last time not on purpose because some one clicked on the wrong button and I was too lazy to delete it. Anyway I was going on about how ever since I got my new glasses I feel as though everyone keeps staring at me. It does feel good as my looks don't normally attract any attention at all, AKA I'm ugly fugly. This is probably all in my head and I probably need to go see a doctor soon but on several occasions I've caught people stop their conversations with their friends just to stare at me hahahaha I must say I could never imagine anything happening like that in my life. I don't even know how I got my partner to fall in love with me hehe Good thing there's still people outthere that doesn't go for looks :P

Although I must admit I do like these new glasses, whether or not it makes people stare that is. I think it suits "my look" I.e. The nerd look. No matter how much I try to be "cool" I fail. I am, was, and always will be a nerd. -[•].[•]-

I'm tired. I just got back from Cameron highlands and iPoh so I will leave this post at this.

Signing Out,

Ever since I have gotten some new glasses, I feel like I've been attracting some unwanted but...nice attention everytime I go out. I don't know if it's whether these glasses make me look good so people are staring and checking me out or if it's just because these glasses make me look retarded haha. There has been several occasions where people were just happily minding their own business.....

Signing Out,

Lately I've been feeling very emo for a certain reason that I'm not even sure if I know what it is. But I just got a pair of new glasses yesterday so hopefully it will make me look at the world differently. I think I've finally let myself go after all these years. Ever since I can remember I've always been very very stubborn about my things. I've never thrown any of my things out or donated or sold them. If it wasn't for my mum I think I would still have every single piece of thing that I've ever owned. Every piece of clothing, every toy, every video tape. It's not that I actually use these sorts of stuff, but it's just that I've never really wanted to part ways with them.

I remember as a baby I used to have this small pillow that I had to cuddle in order to sleep, If I didn't have it, I wouldn't sleep. If I did, I could sleep anywhere. It's kinda embarrassing but I actually still have one. Although it doesn't play as big as a role in my sleep life. However the one I have now is version 2.0. The first one I was forced to throw away because all the wool/cotton inside the pillow was shredded and it was really old. Even though I was about 14-15, I begged my mum not to throw it, but she did. Even though I have a replacement it's not really same. Spending almost 15 years with something and then having it suddenly thrown away is not a good feeling...at the time. As I think back Im thinking how silly I was back then and even until recently. Why try to hang on to something that was good in the past when there could be something better in the future. From now on I am going to wear this attitude on my sleeve. Things, toys, people come and go in life, if they have already left or decide to leave then why chase after it if there's just gonna be better things, newer toys and better people.

Signing Out,

Signing Out,

As I listen to the song, "Love the way you lie, pt 2" on repeat, I am thinking about my life. No matter how loud my music get it still does seem to drown out the voices in my head. Ironic since I am sitting outside the psychiatric department of the hospital. Maybe it is time to pay a visit...Silence is so hard to get when I want it, but even harder to get rid of it once you have it. Right now I feel like going to the top of Penang hill and just scream as loud as I can. Now that would feel good! Ive always wanted to do it but have never got the chance to. As a kid I used to scream when home alone...that is until the neighbors started knocking. I remember it used to feel good so why not now?

Anyway enough of my emoness, but i am in my 2nd week of work. It's quite boring. I would rather be anywhere else than here. But what can I do? Somethings just have to be done. Actually my time is up so I'll have to leave this post like this.


Signing Out,

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown today. All the stress of my school work and trying to study for such an important and life-changing exam finally got to me today. However, thankfully there was someone there to deal with it and I am blessed to have that someone in my life :) Anyway, after a few encouraging words and a very spicy meal, all the stress is out of my system. I have realised that whenever I get angry or sad, it just takes one good meal and then it all goes away, like it never happened before (HINT for those that make me angry or sad hehe :P). This may be due to my bad memory or as the chinese call it being a "big head prawn".

I also seem to be falling sick. I've been coughing greenish-yellow stuff and been feeling very tired lately. One good thing is that if I am really sick, I go to the hospital 5 days a week, which means if anything does happen (touch wood) then i'll save on the transport time and costs! On top of that, as staff of the hospital, its free! haha Finally working at a hospital pays off....

Signing Out,

As I am typing out this post on my iPhone I am currently outside gate A4 of KLIA desperately trying to keep my pants up :( normally in Australia I probably wouldnt bother as hard to keep them up but since I'm in a new country with different values, I'm trying not to show everyone my ass. Unfortunately with four bags to carry it seems like an impossible task.

Anyway enough about my backside, KLIA is really big and cool! Being my first time here and not to my surprise, I got lost! I spent a good ten minutes trying to find where I am and I ended up just following everyone else. I didn't really buy anything as I was too busy dealing with my pants situation but I did buy a bottle of alcohol. I am now waiting for my flight to Penang with malaysian airlines. Talking about which I did not get the ferrero rocher or the ice cream that I expected. Very disappointed...however I did try some random coffee from Old Town at the airport which was pretty good

Well my plane is waiting for me so I will have to leave this post at this.

Signing Out,

Lately I have been especially lazy with my studies and my blog (as noted by the lack of posts since november). Everyday time seems to go by so quickly despite not doing anything at all, and even quicker when spent with the person I love. However, I really need to get motivated again to study hard and to work hard as uni starts soon and I have this extremely important test that I must do well in at the end of march (Wish me luck!)

Anyway, at this moment I am currently feeling very excited, sad, anxious and nervous all at the same time!! Its hard to believe but in a few days time I will be leaving Australia and heading over to Malaysia :D Although it won't be ALL fun and games while I'm over there as I have to work in the hospital full time for 1 month, I am still  very very excited about going. I'm sure I can have some fun along the way! The only thing is I will be travelling alone to this 'foreign' and 'new' country and its kinda nerve-racking. Although I am 20 years old, I definitely still prefer to travel with someone. If life begins and ends alone, why spend any more time in between being alone?

PS. I am leaving for Malaysia tomorrow night so if anyone happens to stumble across my blog and see some asian boy looking lost at the airport on sunday morning then please help him! Its probably me!!

Signing Out,