The Simple Things in Life

Sometimes I wish that i was dumb and clueless...I think life would be much more simpler that way. Not knowing whats going on, having the simpliest things in life making you ecstatic, not overthinking about certain things etc. etc. - the advantages of being clueless just goes on and on. That is why I love playing with my nephew (btw I am not saying that my nephew is dumb! just innocent!). Anything can make him smile and laugh when he's happy, sad, hurt or angry, even if it is just a lolly. Too bad its not as simple when we're adults.

Lately, it seems that I've been making my closest family and friends sad and disappointing them. From here on, I want to list some of my biggest faults. This WILL serve as a warning and motivation for my future self to change these and fix these faults.

My First Fault:

Lately, there always seems to be something that I am constantly racking my brains out, trying to figure out whether it is or it isn't. This has definitely taken its toll on me and my loved ones. This is my first fault, and for this, I apologise. I have lost countless nights of sleep doing this, thinking of every possibility and everything it can and can't be. I try to hide my distraught from my family and friends, as I think that I am protecting them and don't want them to worry. I would rather suffer myself than bring upon sadness and hurt to my loved ones.

My Second Fault:

For those that know me, I not the type of person for confrontation, I would prefer to keep things inside any day. But because of this, when it gets too much, it all comes bursting out, and this is my second and biggest fault. This is the one thing that really kills me when it happens. Although not on purpose, my mum is usually being the one that has to deal with this outburst. Being the good son, my mother has placed all her faith and hopes in me, including her "will to live". Despite knowing this, I have several times 'exploded' at her for something quite simple, but also immense heartbreak and disappointment. It tears my heart apart everytime I do this, but sometimes its like something sweeps over me and it just all comes burst out. THIS IS ONE THING I MUST CHANGE!  No matter what....

My Third Fault:

Another fault of mine is my indecisiveness. This is one of the things that irritates me immensely. I do realise that I am very indecisive, but my blood just boils when people have to keep telling me this. Its not like I dont know that I cant make decisions, it annoys me just as much as you that I can't make up my mind! I try to be more decisive, but I just cant keep to one decision! In the past when I have made decisions, everyone has either shot it down or as a result of it made someone very sad or hurt. This is why I would rather someone else make the decisions so I dont hurt someone or make someone unhappy. I feel selfish when I'm the only one making decisions, especially when I will just be shot down or be called stupid for making that decision.

My Fourth Fault:

Paranoia and Depression. These I believe go hand-in-hand. When I get paranoid about something, I get depressed. When I get Depressed, I get paranoid. I used to have a way of controlling my emotions when I'm sad or depressed about something - I would just go out and drive around aimlessly at night, but not just normal driving, rather reckless driving - speeding, cutting people off, blasting my music (often emo music, like I am listening to now). It seems that this was one way to calm my head and my heart down, despite how dangerous it was. But ever since this one particular incident where I completely lost it, nothing seems to work anymore. Its more of a 50:50 chance as to whether i do stupid things or not when I'm depressed. Once again, I feel as if something sweeps over me and I just spiral down into darkness and I just cant seem to get myself out of it, everything just feels heavy and tiring, as if there is nothing out there that can pull me out.
This is also something that I have to learn to control again! But as of now, I am really stumped as to how I will be able to do this....

Parting comment for my future self
Hopefully I will read this again in the future and think how silly i was in the past. Hopefully, i will have changed all of these faults, especially the ones that are highlighted, before it is too late.